Last Entry

     im shutting down this blog so this is my last post.  Thanks to the few people who actually read it.  Comments are closed.

Anonymous wrote . .

Anonymous wrote . .  . 

"perhaps RL rules don't apply to SL, given the fact that in SL almost all prohibitions are taken away by the anonymity afforded by this medium.  so, maybe you're looking for what you seek in the wrong place. for example, i know that sl is NOT the place to go to if you're looking for a long term relationship. it's just too easy for people to create an alt and do stupid things behind your back no matter how much they profess to love you."

    

      ive written about my thoughts on all this before in this blog.  But, i will indulge Anonymous and reiterate what ive already said elsewhere.

     SL is whatever people want it to be.  Without intentionally putting you this category and without making insinuations, what you just said is the argument fantasists and sexual predators online use.  Unless people are upfront about why they are in SL or online for that matter and upfront about what their expectations are for an online relationship or dynamic, then really they are just deceiving others by omission.

     it kind of appalling, the type of mentality it takes for people to assume because they are in sl doing things they probably shouldnt even be doing, then in their messed up minds they assume everyone else is online or in SL doing it.  i have it on good authority there are people in SL who arent like that.  So, your argument that everyone is doing it and that makes it ok is absolutely riddled with inconsistencies   i dont mean to be harsh.  But, people come online and manipulate other people emotionally in order to control them without taking any responsibility for their own behavior or any responsibility for their own submissives wellbeing.  Thats not D/s, online or RL.  im offended anytime i see the sanctity of authentic D/s made a mockery of.  its not right.  it gives people the wrong impression of what D/s is about.

     youve made some assumptions about me you probably shouldnt have.  But, thats ok because alot of people make assumptions about me that are completely false and untrue.  if youd read my profile in SL it would be very obvious why im in sl and what im about.  it says in my profile im not even looking for an Owner there.  But even if i was, i shouldnt have to justify myself.  i have as much right to be there as anyone else, maybe more right to be there since ive been in sl off and on since Nov 2005.  And, since im not in sl cheating on a rl husband or neglecting small children in rl in order to be there.  Which ive seen people do often in SL, btw.  As far as im concerned, im not the one who needs to reevaluate their existence in SL.  Also, i would like to point out that ive been approached by several men who were interested in transitioning into rl with me but i rejected their collars because of rl incompatibility.  So youre assumption that people are not looking to connect or transition into rl is also a fallacy.  ive seen several people in sl who are interested in rl.  and i personally know more then a few people who have successfully taken a relationship from sl into rl.  Infact, im a member of Real Life BDSM Connections, a group and sim founded by my friend Indigo Alchemi that was started for this very reason.  In order to bring rl lifestylers together both online and potentially real life as well.   Neither the sim nor the group would exist if there wasnt a need for it in SL.

     The reason im not actively looking for a rl Dominant in sl to Own me is because i have standards and requirements that would have to be met before i would even consider offering my real submission online or in real life.  i keep an open mind about meeting a Dominant anywhere.  and why shouldnt i?  As difficult as it is to find a compatible D/s dynamic in rl or online, i would be really stupid not to at least be open to the idea of submitting even online even in sl if it might lead to something real.  and in the very front of my profile it says im not a roleplayer.  im a real life trained D/s submissive.  i have nothing in common with sl roleplayers online for cheap sex.  or even more revolting, the ones who are real about it, but just so far as it suits them, without taking any responsibility for anything they do.  Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too but im telling you kharma is a bitch and has a way of coming back to bite people in the ass, yes, even online.  And if anyone thinks im wrong that just means they are too much of a n00b to figure it out yet.  But, they will  LOL  trust me, they will.  Pick your scenerio because not all the lessons SL offers are pleasant ones.

Weekend

     i initially created this blog as a type of journal to myself because i have had problems with memory retention online and in RL since i was first given my subspace.  i spoke to people online and in real life about it.  But, the theory ive adopted so far is that old saying "time flies when you are having fun"  and as much bitching as i do in my blog, you would be hard pressed to meet anyone more content or blissful in her daily existence then me.  Since i was first shown my subspace, i have been much more balanced as a person and my dynamic personality has evened out considerably.  Being very powerful inside yourself can be an enormous responsibility and learning to let go when its safe to and just embrace who you really are and your submissive self has been a life changing revelation for me that i dont think i would have ever successfully navigated without the help of a rl trained Dominant.

     As time passes and i have fallen into the routine of posting my random thoughts in a blog form, ive found there are so many patterns in the subjects i choose to write about and how i process the different experiences i have as a submissive and woman, online and offline.  i suspect in a way this blog also represents me drawing a line in the sand.  Calling your bluff.  and  a scrapbook of colorful snapshots, bobbles, ribbons and shiny bits that make up the tapestry of my emotional and intellectual landscape.  i dont expect everyone who takes the time to read my words to even understand where i am coming from or what my motivations are.  There is not a time in rl or online when i have openly expressed my thoughts and feelings in the detail i do here.  its an entirely selfish endevour on my part and for my own benefit.  But, i wanted you to know i appreciate you taking the time to read what i have to say and allowing me to a have a voice i would never otherwise have.

     im going out today to enjoy the sun.  i hope you are enjoying your weekend, wherever you are today.  i will be online much later this evening.

Melancholia

     He is there for me when i need a friend.  He wipes my tears when i cry.  He never judges me.  He accepts me just the way i am.  He never drops drama in my lap and has a wicked sense of humor sometimes.  He makes me laugh.  He holds me like a little girl in his arms and makes me feel safe.  i would beg for his collar if we had RL compatibility.  we dont though.  So, instead, weve settled into this strange limbo where neither of us want to walk away.  But, i cant bring myself to commit either.  He would like me to beg but i cant bring myself to do that.  my heart is behind a wall.

Melancholia

Cautiously Open

     i had a friendly disagreement with a Domme who is a very close SL friend today.  Someone brought up the idea of "topping from the bottom."  and i suggested it was a made up term that doesnt really exist.  Basically, i told her that i dont believe in it.  i dont believe in topping from the bottom.  She had valid points to make in her argument but in the end we has to agree to disagree on that particular topic.

     im not gonna list all the reasons that i do not believe in it.  But, if you are super curious about my reasoning, here is a link to an article that discusses this very topic in detail.

Topping from the Bottom?

     Also, i met an interesting divorced male Dominant who is around my age last night at bondage ranch.  The catch is he is from Italy and types in broken English.  i dont have problems understanding him so far but i can see how misunderstandings might occur and i do worry about that.  Also, im monogamous and i expect any Dominant im involved with to be also.  yes, im a submissive and i have expectations.  shocking i know.  He claims that he isnt a player and wants the same things i want.  We will see how it plays out.  if youve read my blog very much in the past then youll know most of my attempts to connect with Dominants online end in train wrecks.  i know what i want and im not willing to settle.  i kiss alot of frogs hoping one will turn into a Prince.  So, if you have trouble generating enthusiasm for my new dynamic, i certainly would understand lol  im cautiously open minded, as always.

BDSM Slavery

   When the words "i seek a true slave" come out of a top's mouth, its a red flag that tells a submissive the top isnt a real Dominant and doesnt really understand what slavery is inside of bdsm.  its very difficult for a RL trained submissive to take tops seriously as Dominants when they do that.

1.  inside of bdsm, the word slave is not a noun.  its not a pronoun to describe a certain person.  like a mime or a police officer.  Slavery is an action and a condition of the heart.  Being a slave describes the level of submission a submissive is capable of.  But, more importantly, it describes the depth of power exchange inside a specific dynamic shared by two people.

2.  Being a slave has nothing to do with the quality of the submissive either.  Every submissive is unique and each one has a specific capacity for submission and at deeper levels, slavery.  That capacity is unique to each submissive and is dependent on a few different factors, most of which have to do with a submissives capacity to both trust and surrender.  and those traits, levels of trust and surrender, the capacity for it, are based on alot of different things, like background, life experience and personality.  

3.  To complicate matters, simply because a submissive may have the capacity for slavery doesnt mean a submissive will ever offer to serve a Dominant in that way.  a highly skilled rl Dominant may have more success then an untrained top, as far as cultivating that type of a dynamic with a submissive goes.  im saying, the Dominant him/herself and the dynamic he/she shares with a submissive will play a huge role in whether or not a submissive with the capacity for slavery will ever achieve slavespace.  

4.  When a top proclaims that he has no past training or lifestyle education because hes naturally dominant then that is red flag and warning to a submissive that he is clueless about bdsm, D/s, M/s and the lifestyle.  What the top is saying is partially true.  Either you are wired to enjoy and get off dominating others or your not.  Same is true with subs.  some people are wired to get off on being submissive to another person.  it cant really be taught.  But, that has nothing to do with bdsm or the lifestyle beyond clarifying which side of the power exchange spectrum you are on.  There is a great deal more to bdsm then that.  An analogy for it would be . . say you like to eat cake . . but you dont know how to bake a cake . . but you told everyone you did know how to bake one based on the fact you like to eat cake.  Doesnt really make sense does it?  But thats what tops do, all the time . . 

5.  "i Own you.  therefore, you are my slave"  The only place it happens in that manner is in Gor.  in other words, its completely make believe.  Also, its a huge red flag if a top calls his property "slave."  its fine if subs want to call themselves slaves for their Dominants.  But, when a top calls a submissive "slave" that actually is really bad because it means the top actually believes that is true about another human being.  Dominants worth submitting to would never do that.  They actually cherish their submissives. 

6.  it can take years of nurturing and training before a submissive ever enters slavery.  However, that being said, an experienced submissive given slave space in the past, when in a dynamic that merits that level of submission, will have a much easier time surrendering enough control to enter a Master/slave relationship.  The past training a submissive receives facilitates the transition of a D/s dynamic into an M/s dynamic.  There are reasons for it but its mostly psychological and physiological.  Pavlov's dog comes to mind when i think of how a submissive it trained repetitively to respond to specific triggers and situations inside a dynamic.   

Not that i enjoy comparing submissives to canine LOL but alas, its true, in terms of how training may affect a submissive.

7.  Also, slavery isnt about choosing to obey and doing things you dont want to do out of fear of abandonment, intimidation or whatever messed up dysfunctional things weak tops use to try and control naive submissives.

its a compulsion.

a submissive consistently makes the choice to follow commands each time she is ordered.  a submissive with slave tendencies makes the choice to submit once at the beginning of the dynamic and is compulsive in the desire to obey thereafter, always.  But that doesnt mean they will.  i repeat, that doesnt mean they will.  As with any other compulsion, a submissive is capable of ignoring their own impulses for slavery, if they feel they need to.  and it may take months or years for them to surrender that completely.  

8.  its not a black and white thing.  its not an either or thing. and its not real slavery.  its bdsm slavery.  which is quite different.  a submissive who is enslaved can choose not to obey and not to serve at any time.  But if the submissive has the capacity to take slave space and desires to serve in that way then that dynamic and how it plays out will be determined by a Dominant's style of dominantion and their own skills, ability to bring out the slave heart of a submissive. and there will be a tendency for a submissive to always want to obey, bringing expression to the slave nature.  in other words, with slaves, its not that they have to.  They just simply want to, all the time.  compulsively.  and, if the dynamic is right.  if they feel safe inside the dynamic, if they allow themselves to surrender that completely, then a Dominant will have a bdsm or M/s slave.

9.  People are always making distinctions between submissives and slaves, saying they arent the same thing.  but i just dont see it that way at all.  i just see slaves as having the capacity to submit on a deeper level then a submissive would.  a slave is a submissive.  but a submissive is not necessarily a slave.  and then there are bottoms also.  but im not getting into that because its not useful for this discussion.  

Nine levels of submission. THIS ISNT A RIGID CLASSIFICATION.  its just a way to understand how vastly different one submissive may be from another, dependent on how experienced they are in bdsm, what their personal needs are (yes both subs and slaves have needs,) what type of dynamic they share with a specific Dominant, their past experiences, their personality type and so on.

THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST

 PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE

TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE

TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE

UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE

PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE

FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE

CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS

Now im not gonna define each of these here but if you are super interested you can see the list in its entirety, with definitions, here:  Levels of Submission

i would also like to point out that the last and deepest level of submission, #9 Consensual total slave with no limits, is subject to enormous amounts of controversy.  infact, most lifestylers do not believe it exists.  its a myth in other words.  and its argued that even if it did exist, it wouldnt be healthy or desirable.  i personally have found that for myself, i fluctuate wildly through the levels of submission depending on who im serving and the nature of the dynamic i share with a top or a Dominant.  when im asked if im a submissive or a slave, i usually respond by saying that im a submissive with the heart of a slave.  and i leave it at that.  i have slave tendencies but if i do not feel safe in the dynamic or if my needs are not met and if my hard limits are not respected then i withdraw from slavespace completely for self protection.  so, while i have a deep desire in my core to act as a slave to a Dominant, that doesnt mean i will choose to act on those compulsions.  and if i offer my slavery to a Dominant once or 50 times in a row, it still doesnt mean i will every time or always.  and if a Dominant tried to paint me into that corner it would be met with rebellion.  Because i submit out of desire and i serve in slavespace for the same reason, not because of someone elses expectations for me.

10.  if a submissive takes slavespace from a Dominant then they are a slave to that Dominant.  full stop.  Regardless of what their dynamic looks like.  Regardless of however else the Dominant sees the submissive.  end of story.  and i will tell you why.  because slavespace is what SHOULD be modivating behavior as a slave, not anything else.  and yes only Doms can take a submissive there.  But, still, without slavespace there is no slave.  and, many submissives never experience either subspace or slavespace.  so, they cant actually claim to be bdsm submissives or slaves, regardless of whatever they agree to or in whatever way they express submissive or slave behavior.  its not about rejecting those who do not experience altered states of consciousness.  Rather, its about the nature of D/s infact centering completely around these altered states of consciousness.  its the big secret.  trance.  and the whole reason bdsm exists in the first place.  to clarify, if someone with a submissive personality is under the care of a skilled RL Dominant, it wont be long before they can find out during service whether or not they have the capacity for responding to triggers.  and if they inherently are incapable of it or are simply unable to trust enough to be taken into an altered consciousness, they can still act as subs or bottoms.  But, its not the same at all.  Completely different modivation for obedience.  The same as i differentiate between an untrained top and a skilled Dominant.  if you want to know what someone knows about bdsm just casually ask them for their thoughts on Domspace or subspace.  if they have no idea what you are talking about or think subspace in a reference to a science fiction movie then you can be sure that person is clueless about the lifestyle.

11.  a submissive doesnt lose their power in slavespace or in subspace.  Not even close.  You are just allowing yourself to step aside and give that control and power over to a Dominant, usually watching on the sidelines without interference.  Instead of losing power as a sub you are giving power away.  The mind of a slave is still intact, just passive and can pull themselves out of it at any time, same as with subspace, because its an altered state of consciousness that can be easily disrupted much like hypnosis or any trance state.  However, slavespace is much more frantic, needy, grovelling and desperate then subspace.  in slavespace, you are so narrowly and completely focused on the Dominant to the exclusion of anything else that it takes on dark, creepy tones and you are compulsive in that moment, for however long the Dominant holds you there, completely caught up and in a frenzy.  well maybe you guys have other definitions for slavespace and thats great.  But, thats my personal experience with it.  i admit im not an expert regarding bdsm slavery although i do have experience with it.

12.  Tops who seek submissives with certain doormat qualities in the hopes of finding a slave are, in my opinion, completely useless as Dominants.  its so totally the opposite of what bdsm slavery is about.  and its very obvious that the top is looking for a short cut to domination, seeking something in a submissive that can never be achieved because those types of subs do not have the wisdom to navigate a dynamic in a healthy way that allows for longevity.  These tops are just looking for the easiest way to take total control.  sorry, but, that is only useful in scening.  a very desirable or skilled Dominant is worshiped because a knowledgeable sub understands the level of artistry, generosity and investment the Dominant makes when taking on property.  But, there is a huge difference between a top, D/s Dominant, a scene Dominant and a rogue Dominant.  Knowing how to differentiate between the different types of Doms and tops is crucial for a submissive.  Just as its important for a Dominant to know the difference between a masochist, bottom, service oriented sub, a sexual sub and a slave-natured sub.  

13.  Seeking out the weakest subs to control and turn into slaves doesnt make a top appear very impressive as a Dominant, quite the opposite infact.  it makes the top appear weak as hell and totally predatory, picking off the weakest subs to exploit.  Weak tops own weak subs.  And, those savvy in the lifestyle can see it for what it is.  ive known many Dominants but i consider most of them as either scene Dominants or rogue Dominants.  They might be fun to play with for a scene but you wouldnt want to be permanently Owned by them.  Doms should be just as discriminating about who they play with if they seek a permanent sub in their collar.  After all the quality of One's submissive is a direct reflection on a Dominant's own character and abilities.